岁月的味道

如今审美观注重年轻青春的魅力。
甚少有人愿意优雅老去。
或许，持续保持所谓的年轻青春就是所谓当道的优雅老去。
皱纹是敌人，太阳斑雀斑等等斑为岁月残忍的仆人，天天每每的提醒你那岁月的痕迹。
亦舒常提，一个人的时间花在什么地方是看得到的。
她书里的角色有些潇洒自在美丽优雅似神仙。
就算老了，那份味道就是不可理喻的引人入胜。
就像酒客最珍藏的百年佳酿，无论是看着、品尝着、或饮毕，都在在的让人百分期待沉醉及回味。
岁月所酝酿的、发酵的，把所见所闻所学以及所品味的人生百味都深深浅浅自自然然的化为最最独特的不可言喻。
青春活力固然迷人，但，深度？未有。
连青春本身亦不知道它本身所没有的，只因未曾经历过岁月那滴水穿石的刻画。
这份活力似那迷人狂风金光灿烂的阳光，那份日出的闪耀。
风过无痕，日出、亦依旧有日落。
咦？青春本身就是岁月那份洗礼，没有青春的划过、得过尝过失过，何来岁月的刻画？
青春年华那份流金岁月，竟然就是岁月佳酿本身不可或缺的肥料材料及味道。
那么，青春那一页？是否无悔呢？
若然灰了，那当下有在做什么呢？
持续活出灰灰的悔吗?
也不错啦，至少也可演绎灰色人生。百花绽放，荼蘼过后一定还有灰色地带的，不是非彩色不可。而且， 灰色、也是颜色哦。。。
回归主题，那么那一页页的青春，成年，直到了晚年的深深成熟，每一线条，每一味道，都在在的刻画于思维、脸上，洋溢于气质和言论里。
当然，可以似陈奕迅那首激烈的浮夸般，肆意的大放撕歌。只是本人更欣赏那不知觉的流露，那自自然然的呈现。像苏东坡般的，可以于朝廷里尊贵华丽，也可以是百姓自在丛里的东坡肉。那份自在于繁华和朴实，在在另人向往。
简言之，就是最最难得的自在自由吧。可以任意欣赏各种繁华媚态而不再迷失，可以包容明白任何的缺憾而不再嘶吼为何？繁华媚态的美及日落后的唏嘘都可以自在消化，何不是一种自在？
再来，再深一些，如果自在不自在，自由不自由，美不美，都依然可以自在而不挂怀。。。
骨髓了吧？不？
亦不过只是个念头罢了。

毒？药？

以为你的存在是我的药。
然后有一天，不知觉中，药到病除。
从此之后，服药成了服毒。
而你的存在，就从药物，成了毒品。
泛滥成瘾。
没了你，感觉好饿好空虚。
吃到时，感觉就好像吃到了比冰淇淋还好吃的东西。
一天一天， 成瘾了。
瘾怎解？谁来教我？就我？
所救所解，会否是另一个药？另一个毒？
环环相扣，层层轮回，何时真能了？

真实的自由

出走了快两年了。
心态已然调整到，不是出走，而是回到自己的状态。
但是，依然在世俗里，没有自己的根。
但，那是什么？
曾闻处处无家处处家。
友人问我为何常处于两袖清风状态，我答说，本是身外物又何须拘泥。
他日我离开时，最宝贵的是离去的潇洒和资粮。往日的种种、除出心灵与日子生活的资粮外，均属累熬。
事实上，我已经放纵自己在友人的温暖上的累积了，天知道，真正该做的是无痕。
那，是全然的自由，也是全然的放纵啊。
我对你的好，全然的好，全然的付出，没有论明天，没有论他日。
明日的我依然会如此吗？
连我也不知道，也不打算约束自己。所以，你还会说我好吗？
或者，你的改变会比我更早来临。
所以，我不去想明日如何，或者说，我学习不去想，任何的想，我将亲手撤除，不留。

loneliness

Very lonely tonight, Sophie is not here, neither is my housemate. The house is too quiet as I had not had real silence for days, actually, since Sophie came into my life. She tagged me day in day out, like my little tail.
Things got very clear. I guess I am very content with how things are going, it is just that today, the silence is a bit overwhelming, and therefore I seek refuge running away from it, the wrong method, I know.

Ever really knowing the way for sure?

Counting down my last 24 hours before I totally switch off from the mainstream civilization and retire to a full countryside, where my closest access to internet and mobile phone is through random connection pockets on side of the hill, you get the idea.
Spent some time loitering around the internet reading up bits that caught my attention, enough. Had just found out the trend of the latest share market and all its bust and boom news, not that it is really something new, or "different", though many articles on various websites had in their various ways debating over how abnormal is abnormal this time, or vice versa. Seriously, it's either up, or down, right? Pardon me for my apparent lack of interest, as I had not earned more than a thousands from the sharemarket, I guess my opinion does not really serve as a credible one. LOL.
Nobody is sure where the market is heading, all we could manage is out ideas, (trying to remember which guru on which website said this line, pardon my lousy short term memory.) What I could be sure is, the one thing that had always been within our "manageable field of control" would be what we choose to listen in our head. Yeah, like I could happily listen to all the "right" ones, who is deciding the rights again? Interesting task to find out and discover, don't you think so? How come we never question that voice of sanity, that is really the voice of sanity, the REAL voice of sanity. Excuse me, I do not mean to sound like a lunatic. Still, I hope you get my point.
With all due respect to the major stream line of civilization, we are all well instructed to do what we do. Parents told us. Teachers, Gurus, Experts, Pastors, Religions, and the list goes on, all the right up to the Mrs Jones next door, and the next lover would be. Chances are, acting according to the so-called norm, or out of norm had been the two choices available all time since .... well, before time. It's either you are acting and making decisions normally, or abnormally, and that shakes the boat a little, making it inconvenient and rocky for everyone else that happens to share your boat, or you, their boat. "We are in this together", so said. "Yeah.". Sorry. Wrong Number.
Have you ever tried removing the layers. Mum said, Dad said, who said, who said, who said, I said..... As the list goes on, as the layers go off, and all the justification layers that comes with them, all the justifications that is given to this who-said-what, and that it is logical, and makes sense therefore let's do the right thing. The outcomes come out, surely this must be right and just, and that one could be happy. Well, if one is still not happy and content, must be the next thing on the list that had yet be done right according to who who and what what, of which that person had now happily done it right, and is successful and happy. I don't know about you, but that rat race had honestly winded me down and tired me out. Right, color me grey and call me a loser. Yeah!!!
From POint A, our current spot of whatsoever position in life, to Point B, our imagined spot in front that is going to make us better bigger whatsoever, we are never there. Period. When we are there, guess what happened? We got bored, and unsatisfied, and "you mean this is it"? Surely I should have felt everlasting happiness and peace. No? Ok, time to MOVE ON to a bigger goal a better one. No doubt life is a journey, but living in denial of what is being had at the moment, by denying what is here, hence would lead to a better outcome tomorrow. Sorry. Can someone help me figure this out? Opps, I am not supposed to "take" anymore answers, but see the journey through and get some answers myself, which in the end I would find that, the answers are what "I" had given to it. Interesting game, the stories are all so well charged with emotions that we had given to it as well, until, it takes time for me to tell between reality shows and reality. Period/
I wonder would this be the last volunteering at tree house, as I had made a decision to start job hunting after that. I still have funds to run for another at least 3 months, more than that actually, but my sense of security is running thin. Guess I am not as brave as I thought myself to be, or is this basic survival instincts I don't know. But I know one thing for sure, I will not go back to a place where I felt like I even have to explain why am I breathing the way I am breathing. May the job that I found be the right next step for further in depth self discovery. Amen.

being single??

When he asked, show me a photo of your lover, I was like...... what??!!!
LOL... Maybe it is just how it is going to be from now. Us comparing the latest note on lovers. Sad.
But then again maybe it would be for the best.
Cheers.
Last night I was thinking I should be really celebrating. No more incessant waiting, by hours and by years. No more ridiculous force on doing something that is definitely against what I felt good doing. Hurray.
You know what, the best thing would be, I no longer need to be at tiptop condition. Hurray.

The pressure is no doubt over bearing, as he is a spick span fellow yet lazy bump (forgive me, but that is true, he knows it himself, ok)

So, this morning, after that double valentines last night, in which I had made it a point to be alone, in both mind and body, I came up here to gloat with a heavy heart. Loved him, no doubt. Loved, period. Good bye my friend.

Learning a song? How long had it been for me to learn a song by heart?

There were times when I once knew songs from the radio by heart. Well, at least most of the classics. Until one day, years later I realized, I am merely reciting all the songs I knew since a time before time. None of the latest. Not that that's bad, but I realized I longed for some new songs. Hence when I made a to do list in these few months, one of them is a to sing list. A list of songs that I wish to learn and sing all words from memory alone. Knowing the whole melody and lyrics by heart. Not a lot to ask, as I honestly love singing to myself whenever I feel like it.

Bring awareness into singing, that is when I realized how singing moves the whole being, literally. The lyrics moved waves of emotions. The music vibration makes something happen within, and before I realized it, when I immerse myself in the singing, the whole being felt moved, to the core, deep within. No wonder there had always been a saying how music moves our soul.

There is something about listening to one's own voice, the fact that it is different from how I remembered it in my mind, every single time I sing, every single time I feel the songs. It felt unique, every single time. The musical sense of the whole experience could not be repeated, even though we thought we are, repeating that experience by singing that song again and again.

The mind plays a trick on us when it comes to repetition in life. Our eyes were draped under the illusion that it is the same old thing again, when in fact, it isn't. Even the us in our mind is no longer that person who had sang the song, and experienced what we had experienced back then. We sang the song, felt the good old tunes, and thought we remembered those good old days again, and that we felt the good old days again. Yet, in truth, we felt the good old days as what we are now, the good old days are mere fabrication and recounts of the mind, and nothing else. The tragedy of life is when we repeatedly fall into emotions of those in the past, engrossed and intoxicated by it, and getting upset with whatsoever now that is, over how it had not been the same ever since. Then, the next step will be, trying to reason why we can't do what we want to do, wish to do, and all the old list of to not do list. On and on.

Recalled how Mooji told a student who came to see him, saying that he had given away his business, cut down and trimmed out his life to live more spiritually. After telling Mooji all that, his puzzlement in mind was, what's next? Mooji said, well, in order to reach the spot to ask what's next? There is already much work done, much effort given. But that is still the mind asking, what's next. Who is doing the asking? Who? Who? The moment when all sparks. what is that that automatically plucks? The inescapability of the fact, that the moment it sparks, it is already there. resistant is not only futile, it burdens, it hurts, and voila, we are already in dukkha.