Very lonely tonight, Sophie is not here, neither is my housemate. The house is too quiet as I had not had real silence for days, actually, since Sophie came into my life. She tagged me day in day out, like my little tail.
Things got very clear. I guess I am very content with how things are going, it is just that today, the silence is a bit overwhelming, and therefore I seek refuge running away from it, the wrong method, I know.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
Ever really knowing the way for sure?
Counting down my last 24 hours before I totally switch off from the mainstream civilization and retire to a full countryside, where my closest access to internet and mobile phone is through random connection pockets on side of the hill, you get the idea.
Spent some time loitering around the internet reading up bits that caught my attention, enough. Had just found out the trend of the latest share market and all its bust and boom news, not that it is really something new, or "different", though many articles on various websites had in their various ways debating over how abnormal is abnormal this time, or vice versa. Seriously, it's either up, or down, right? Pardon me for my apparent lack of interest, as I had not earned more than a thousands from the sharemarket, I guess my opinion does not really serve as a credible one. LOL.
Nobody is sure where the market is heading, all we could manage is out ideas, (trying to remember which guru on which website said this line, pardon my lousy short term memory.) What I could be sure is, the one thing that had always been within our "manageable field of control" would be what we choose to listen in our head. Yeah, like I could happily listen to all the "right" ones, who is deciding the rights again? Interesting task to find out and discover, don't you think so? How come we never question that voice of sanity, that is really the voice of sanity, the REAL voice of sanity. Excuse me, I do not mean to sound like a lunatic. Still, I hope you get my point.
With all due respect to the major stream line of civilization, we are all well instructed to do what we do. Parents told us. Teachers, Gurus, Experts, Pastors, Religions, and the list goes on, all the right up to the Mrs Jones next door, and the next lover would be. Chances are, acting according to the so-called norm, or out of norm had been the two choices available all time since .... well, before time. It's either you are acting and making decisions normally, or abnormally, and that shakes the boat a little, making it inconvenient and rocky for everyone else that happens to share your boat, or you, their boat. "We are in this together", so said. "Yeah.". Sorry. Wrong Number.
Have you ever tried removing the layers. Mum said, Dad said, who said, who said, who said, I said..... As the list goes on, as the layers go off, and all the justification layers that comes with them, all the justifications that is given to this who-said-what, and that it is logical, and makes sense therefore let's do the right thing. The outcomes come out, surely this must be right and just, and that one could be happy. Well, if one is still not happy and content, must be the next thing on the list that had yet be done right according to who who and what what, of which that person had now happily done it right, and is successful and happy. I don't know about you, but that rat race had honestly winded me down and tired me out. Right, color me grey and call me a loser. Yeah!!!
From POint A, our current spot of whatsoever position in life, to Point B, our imagined spot in front that is going to make us better bigger whatsoever, we are never there. Period. When we are there, guess what happened? We got bored, and unsatisfied, and "you mean this is it"? Surely I should have felt everlasting happiness and peace. No? Ok, time to MOVE ON to a bigger goal a better one. No doubt life is a journey, but living in denial of what is being had at the moment, by denying what is here, hence would lead to a better outcome tomorrow. Sorry. Can someone help me figure this out? Opps, I am not supposed to "take" anymore answers, but see the journey through and get some answers myself, which in the end I would find that, the answers are what "I" had given to it. Interesting game, the stories are all so well charged with emotions that we had given to it as well, until, it takes time for me to tell between reality shows and reality. Period/
I wonder would this be the last volunteering at tree house, as I had made a decision to start job hunting after that. I still have funds to run for another at least 3 months, more than that actually, but my sense of security is running thin. Guess I am not as brave as I thought myself to be, or is this basic survival instincts I don't know. But I know one thing for sure, I will not go back to a place where I felt like I even have to explain why am I breathing the way I am breathing. May the job that I found be the right next step for further in depth self discovery. Amen.
Spent some time loitering around the internet reading up bits that caught my attention, enough. Had just found out the trend of the latest share market and all its bust and boom news, not that it is really something new, or "different", though many articles on various websites had in their various ways debating over how abnormal is abnormal this time, or vice versa. Seriously, it's either up, or down, right? Pardon me for my apparent lack of interest, as I had not earned more than a thousands from the sharemarket, I guess my opinion does not really serve as a credible one. LOL.
Nobody is sure where the market is heading, all we could manage is out ideas, (trying to remember which guru on which website said this line, pardon my lousy short term memory.) What I could be sure is, the one thing that had always been within our "manageable field of control" would be what we choose to listen in our head. Yeah, like I could happily listen to all the "right" ones, who is deciding the rights again? Interesting task to find out and discover, don't you think so? How come we never question that voice of sanity, that is really the voice of sanity, the REAL voice of sanity. Excuse me, I do not mean to sound like a lunatic. Still, I hope you get my point.
With all due respect to the major stream line of civilization, we are all well instructed to do what we do. Parents told us. Teachers, Gurus, Experts, Pastors, Religions, and the list goes on, all the right up to the Mrs Jones next door, and the next lover would be. Chances are, acting according to the so-called norm, or out of norm had been the two choices available all time since .... well, before time. It's either you are acting and making decisions normally, or abnormally, and that shakes the boat a little, making it inconvenient and rocky for everyone else that happens to share your boat, or you, their boat. "We are in this together", so said. "Yeah.". Sorry. Wrong Number.
Have you ever tried removing the layers. Mum said, Dad said, who said, who said, who said, I said..... As the list goes on, as the layers go off, and all the justification layers that comes with them, all the justifications that is given to this who-said-what, and that it is logical, and makes sense therefore let's do the right thing. The outcomes come out, surely this must be right and just, and that one could be happy. Well, if one is still not happy and content, must be the next thing on the list that had yet be done right according to who who and what what, of which that person had now happily done it right, and is successful and happy. I don't know about you, but that rat race had honestly winded me down and tired me out. Right, color me grey and call me a loser. Yeah!!!
From POint A, our current spot of whatsoever position in life, to Point B, our imagined spot in front that is going to make us better bigger whatsoever, we are never there. Period. When we are there, guess what happened? We got bored, and unsatisfied, and "you mean this is it"? Surely I should have felt everlasting happiness and peace. No? Ok, time to MOVE ON to a bigger goal a better one. No doubt life is a journey, but living in denial of what is being had at the moment, by denying what is here, hence would lead to a better outcome tomorrow. Sorry. Can someone help me figure this out? Opps, I am not supposed to "take" anymore answers, but see the journey through and get some answers myself, which in the end I would find that, the answers are what "I" had given to it. Interesting game, the stories are all so well charged with emotions that we had given to it as well, until, it takes time for me to tell between reality shows and reality. Period/
I wonder would this be the last volunteering at tree house, as I had made a decision to start job hunting after that. I still have funds to run for another at least 3 months, more than that actually, but my sense of security is running thin. Guess I am not as brave as I thought myself to be, or is this basic survival instincts I don't know. But I know one thing for sure, I will not go back to a place where I felt like I even have to explain why am I breathing the way I am breathing. May the job that I found be the right next step for further in depth self discovery. Amen.
Friday, February 14, 2014
being single??
When he asked, show me a photo of your lover, I was like...... what??!!!
LOL... Maybe it is just how it is going to be from now. Us comparing the latest note on lovers. Sad.
But then again maybe it would be for the best.
Cheers.
Last night I was thinking I should be really celebrating. No more incessant waiting, by hours and by years. No more ridiculous force on doing something that is definitely against what I felt good doing. Hurray.
You know what, the best thing would be, I no longer need to be at tiptop condition. Hurray.
The pressure is no doubt over bearing, as he is a spick span fellow yet lazy bump (forgive me, but that is true, he knows it himself, ok)
So, this morning, after that double valentines last night, in which I had made it a point to be alone, in both mind and body, I came up here to gloat with a heavy heart. Loved him, no doubt. Loved, period. Good bye my friend.
LOL... Maybe it is just how it is going to be from now. Us comparing the latest note on lovers. Sad.
But then again maybe it would be for the best.
Cheers.
Last night I was thinking I should be really celebrating. No more incessant waiting, by hours and by years. No more ridiculous force on doing something that is definitely against what I felt good doing. Hurray.
You know what, the best thing would be, I no longer need to be at tiptop condition. Hurray.
The pressure is no doubt over bearing, as he is a spick span fellow yet lazy bump (forgive me, but that is true, he knows it himself, ok)
So, this morning, after that double valentines last night, in which I had made it a point to be alone, in both mind and body, I came up here to gloat with a heavy heart. Loved him, no doubt. Loved, period. Good bye my friend.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Learning a song? How long had it been for me to learn a song by heart?
There were times when I once knew songs from the radio by heart. Well, at least most of the classics. Until one day, years later I realized, I am merely reciting all the songs I knew since a time before time. None of the latest. Not that that's bad, but I realized I longed for some new songs. Hence when I made a to do list in these few months, one of them is a to sing list. A list of songs that I wish to learn and sing all words from memory alone. Knowing the whole melody and lyrics by heart. Not a lot to ask, as I honestly love singing to myself whenever I feel like it.
Bring awareness into singing, that is when I realized how singing moves the whole being, literally. The lyrics moved waves of emotions. The music vibration makes something happen within, and before I realized it, when I immerse myself in the singing, the whole being felt moved, to the core, deep within. No wonder there had always been a saying how music moves our soul.
There is something about listening to one's own voice, the fact that it is different from how I remembered it in my mind, every single time I sing, every single time I feel the songs. It felt unique, every single time. The musical sense of the whole experience could not be repeated, even though we thought we are, repeating that experience by singing that song again and again.
The mind plays a trick on us when it comes to repetition in life. Our eyes were draped under the illusion that it is the same old thing again, when in fact, it isn't. Even the us in our mind is no longer that person who had sang the song, and experienced what we had experienced back then. We sang the song, felt the good old tunes, and thought we remembered those good old days again, and that we felt the good old days again. Yet, in truth, we felt the good old days as what we are now, the good old days are mere fabrication and recounts of the mind, and nothing else. The tragedy of life is when we repeatedly fall into emotions of those in the past, engrossed and intoxicated by it, and getting upset with whatsoever now that is, over how it had not been the same ever since. Then, the next step will be, trying to reason why we can't do what we want to do, wish to do, and all the old list of to not do list. On and on.
Recalled how Mooji told a student who came to see him, saying that he had given away his business, cut down and trimmed out his life to live more spiritually. After telling Mooji all that, his puzzlement in mind was, what's next? Mooji said, well, in order to reach the spot to ask what's next? There is already much work done, much effort given. But that is still the mind asking, what's next. Who is doing the asking? Who? Who? The moment when all sparks. what is that that automatically plucks? The inescapability of the fact, that the moment it sparks, it is already there. resistant is not only futile, it burdens, it hurts, and voila, we are already in dukkha.
Bring awareness into singing, that is when I realized how singing moves the whole being, literally. The lyrics moved waves of emotions. The music vibration makes something happen within, and before I realized it, when I immerse myself in the singing, the whole being felt moved, to the core, deep within. No wonder there had always been a saying how music moves our soul.
There is something about listening to one's own voice, the fact that it is different from how I remembered it in my mind, every single time I sing, every single time I feel the songs. It felt unique, every single time. The musical sense of the whole experience could not be repeated, even though we thought we are, repeating that experience by singing that song again and again.
The mind plays a trick on us when it comes to repetition in life. Our eyes were draped under the illusion that it is the same old thing again, when in fact, it isn't. Even the us in our mind is no longer that person who had sang the song, and experienced what we had experienced back then. We sang the song, felt the good old tunes, and thought we remembered those good old days again, and that we felt the good old days again. Yet, in truth, we felt the good old days as what we are now, the good old days are mere fabrication and recounts of the mind, and nothing else. The tragedy of life is when we repeatedly fall into emotions of those in the past, engrossed and intoxicated by it, and getting upset with whatsoever now that is, over how it had not been the same ever since. Then, the next step will be, trying to reason why we can't do what we want to do, wish to do, and all the old list of to not do list. On and on.
Recalled how Mooji told a student who came to see him, saying that he had given away his business, cut down and trimmed out his life to live more spiritually. After telling Mooji all that, his puzzlement in mind was, what's next? Mooji said, well, in order to reach the spot to ask what's next? There is already much work done, much effort given. But that is still the mind asking, what's next. Who is doing the asking? Who? Who? The moment when all sparks. what is that that automatically plucks? The inescapability of the fact, that the moment it sparks, it is already there. resistant is not only futile, it burdens, it hurts, and voila, we are already in dukkha.
Friday, January 10, 2014
Figuring out the purpose of life?
Although one might not want to embrace what Dan Millman might have practiced, but this is still a good webpage for reference. Read him up, and even better watch the movie and also read that novel that started it all.
http://www.peacefulwarrior.com/life-purpose-calculator
http://www.peacefulwarrior.com/life-purpose-calculator
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Feeling at lost?
Read this in the morning while thick in thoughts. With the symphony of birds outside my window. The nature's music is much more beautiful and alive than any form of man-made music. Still, man-made ones are not too bad. ;p
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-youve-lost-your-sense-of-purpose/
Night passed. Morning came. Brother told me about how he had found himself in the family business, the place where i left to find myself.
He wished me the best in being able to find myself out here, out there, and found exactly what feels like what i am looking for.
Unbeknown to him, I had been wondering about it myself. I know going back is not an option that I feel like doing, despite all the best comfort of home. Neither is life in a city my passionate love despite my love for food and entertainment in its own way. I had done away with movie watching years ago, barely anymore cinema visits. any form of reading I usually do online, be it a chinese chick lit or a serious readings on spiritual growth, the internet offers all these in vast abundance, free, provided I have a good internet connection line and don't bust the limit, or the bills would be hefty. Still, since I don't do any movie downloads, I guess busting that limit with downloads could be a tad bit challenging. I am not sure, now monitoring it.
So, I guess I would just take a step. The step that at the moment felt most right deep down, despite my fears and insecurity. Amen.
http://tinybuddha.com/blog/when-youve-lost-your-sense-of-purpose/
Night passed. Morning came. Brother told me about how he had found himself in the family business, the place where i left to find myself.
He wished me the best in being able to find myself out here, out there, and found exactly what feels like what i am looking for.
Unbeknown to him, I had been wondering about it myself. I know going back is not an option that I feel like doing, despite all the best comfort of home. Neither is life in a city my passionate love despite my love for food and entertainment in its own way. I had done away with movie watching years ago, barely anymore cinema visits. any form of reading I usually do online, be it a chinese chick lit or a serious readings on spiritual growth, the internet offers all these in vast abundance, free, provided I have a good internet connection line and don't bust the limit, or the bills would be hefty. Still, since I don't do any movie downloads, I guess busting that limit with downloads could be a tad bit challenging. I am not sure, now monitoring it.
So, I guess I would just take a step. The step that at the moment felt most right deep down, despite my fears and insecurity. Amen.
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